i Smell A Rant

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The Chooch Awards – Opus IV: Asinine Resurrection


Every now and then, life overwhelms us with such a barrage of human nonsense, you feel as though you were living inside an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. When the weird and silly appear to be normal, it takes a unique kind of madness for people to take notice.

Celebrating the truly ridiculous, then, iSmellARant shamefully presents its fourth installment of The Chooch Awards. Submissions are always welcome, btw.

Primo Chooch: Toronto Catholic District School Board

“At Toronto Catholic, we transform the world through witness, faith, innovation and action.” Hmmmm … about that.

WITCH_COMPUTERSo, just a few years removed from the Ontario government taking over the books at the Toronto Catholic District School Board, word out of the Board has its original projection of a $300,000 budget surplus for this year, actually turning into a $8.9-million deficit.

Somebody mucked up big, but the Board vows to balance its books without affecting the classroom. Sure. How they plan to cut $9 million without teachers running out of chalk or students sharing desks is anyone’s guess, but if the Board were to ask me, I’d say a good place to find savings may be through a generous culling of its grotesquely inflated staff.

If Jesus could feed 5000 peasants with a few loaves of bread and some fish, surely, for the love of Peter, a school board should be able to double-check its Math. Lord help us.

Secondo Chooch: Highway drivers

Like fruitcake and ugly sweaters, highway pileups are one of the more dubious traditions of winter. This week saw apocalyptic-style carnage on Ontario’s 400-series highways and the winter blitzkrieg hasn’t even started.pileups_blockhighway

Perhaps drivers need a refresher in elementary science. When the temperature drops below zero, you see, things tend to freeze. Crazy, I know, but it’s true. Crazier still are the buffoons behind the wheel who treat icy roads as if they were in the middle of a summer heat wave and who leave their winter tires nicely stacked inside their garages.


L’Ultimo Chooch: Rogers and Sportsnet

I’ve been very forthcoming in my criticism of hockey, especially the NHL. I’m not a big fan of Rogers Communications, either, although I love the Blue Jays with all my heart, all my mind, and all my soul. Now that Rogers owns the Canadian broadcast rights to NHL games, I find I hate both entities even more. As soon as Rogers announced its multi-billion dollar deal, its carpet bombing advertising began.

DC_Hockey_Night03.jpgThen, Rogers decimated its baseball broadcasts with regular reminders about its NHL coverage. Then came the bloated lineup of puck heads for its broadcasts. Throw in a convoluted schedule of games crossing multiple channels and territories, and Rogers has taken a once fabulous Canadian tradition and reduced it to just another form of content. Worst of all is how Rogers has taken its Sportsnet channels and turned them into a round-the-clock infomercial for its NHL Game Centre Live. I liked Mark Messier better when he was schlepping Lays potato chips.

Until the next edition of The Chooch Awards, read on and carry on; there’s a whole big world of people out there that needs saving.


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This entry was posted on November 15, 2014 by in Life, Sports and tagged , , , , , .
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